It's On

As probably none of you are aware, some pussy has contacted me to suggest creating a blog to contradict my brilliant wisdom, which he deems "cruel insanity." My first thought was to track him down by reverse IP lookup and wait outside his house to bear mace him, but I think that's just what he wanted me to do. Instead, I hired him on so that everyone can better appreciate my genius in contrast with his liberal ass-clownery. Let the culture war commence.

Gettin' Down with the Homies

Do you have something important to say that could benefit children and young adults? Perhaps you would like to encourage them to be more fiscally responsible? Or maybe you are concerned that they might not be aware of the dangers of not wearing their seat belts, premarital sex, cholesterol, or the reefer? Or maybe you just have a product to sell, and you realize that teenagers can persuade their parents to buy stuff more easily than TV commercials?

In any case, if you were born before 1980, then you probably have trouble talking to the kids (that's right, people born in the '70s are old now). But rest assured, there is hope. As one of the oldest representatives of today's troubled youth, I'm going to help you figure out how to relate to the childrens, and I'm going, yet again, to provide my advice free of charge in list format:

1. Always remember that kids have trouble understanding people who don't speak their language. Because rap music is their primary cultural influence, you need to familiarize yourself very thoroughly with the works of Vanilla Ice and Sir Mix-a-Lot in order to communicate with today's youth. Remember that you need to be "down" with the "homies," and take care not to "front." Wearing your baseball cap backwards will make you seem more accessible and increase your "street cred." And, in case you're concerned, this kind of behavior from a middle-aged suburban white person is not racist. Not even a little bit.
2. Teenagers lack the linguistic skills of adults. It's important to make sure that you don't use any big words or complicated sentences. If there's any doubt, try to confine yourself to words with less than two syllables and sentences under 7 or 8 words.
3. It's also important to swear a lot, but keep in mind that you might not be able to keep up with the incredible geysers of profanity spewing from underage mouths. Phrases like "b*ner biting b@$t@rd uncle f@*ker" are probably far beyond your skill level, and you don't want to compromise your moralizing authority anyway, so try to confine yourself to the general ballpark of "darn" and "heck."
   
4. Today's kids lack life experience and historical perspective. This means that they could benefit greatly from your recollection of the good old days, especially combined with your insightful criticism of text messaging and low rider jeans. But remember to always keep that hat on backwards.
5. What may seem like you like violent, cynical nihilism is in fact violent, cynical nihilism. But this is what the current generation has instead of patriotism and a can-do attitude, so you'd better learn to deal with it.

That should get you started. If you run into trouble, just ask yourself, "What would The Fonz do in this situation?" The correct answer is always the same: "Who the hell is The Fonz?"

Dirty Harry vs. Ben Kingsley

It has recently been brought to my attention that my last post was slightly inaccurate. As it turns out, Clint Eastwood has never (officially) killed anyone, and he is simply a Hollywood actor. This was confusing to me at first, but after further research, it seems that actors are people who are paid to pretend to do things while other people film them, usually for TV or movies.

Like many of you, I have never bothered too much about the subtle differences between "real" life and the light and sound waves emanating from the plastic box in my living room. I like to think of my TV as a window into a world full of magical places, where people live and die for my entertainment, and where I can change the channel if I get bored. Similarly, I like to think of my window as a protective piece of glass separating me from the horrors of the unscripted, "real" world; a place full of irritating responsibilities and weird, threatening people who are inexplicably unconcerned with my comfort level. In either case, the glass prevents me from interacting with things on the other side, so who am I to say that my boring neighbors that I don't see very often are more "real" than my witty, entertaining fantasy neighbors from "Friends", whose lives I follow religiously?

Back to the point, though. My last post exemplified Mr. Eastwood as a man of action who would humiliate Mohandas Ghandi in a fist fight, but it was pointed out in the comments that while Clint Eastwood pretends to kill people when cameras are pointed at him, the rest of the time he is a drama nerd who probably enjoys reading more than physical violence. Just like Ben Kingsley, who played Ghandi. And just like Ghandi himself. Except that apparently Clint Eastwood approves of the depicting physical violence for entertainment purposes, while Ben Kingsley only approves of other people depicting violence for historical and dramatic purposes. Or was that Ghandi?

Wait, are we talking about Dirty Harry or Clint Eastwood? And is it Ben Ghandi or Mohandas Kingsley? Either way, I don't really see the difference.

Eastwood vs. Ghandi

Usually, I use this blog to instruct anyone reading it on how they should think and feel, and, if there's space left over, how they should act. Today is different, though. Today we'll be focusing on how to act, without asking those pesky questions like "Why?" or "Won't a lot of innocent people be incinerated?" or "Good god, have you lost your f$^%ing mind?", because the answer to all of these questions is the same: questioning is for pussies, and action is for badasses. Clint Eastwood killed a lot of people without stopping to ask questions, while Ghandi did a lot of questioning without ever killing anyone, and I think we all know who we would take in a bar fight. So here, in convenient 6 step form, is how you should act, in order to be a badass:

1) Buy a gun and use it to kill something. Preferably a communist, but there's no reason to be picky.
2) Drink a large quantity of cheap whiskey, and repeat Step 1.
3) Develop knee-jerk political opinions on several issues. This sounds like you need to think, but you can just rip up the opinion sections from a couple of newspapers and pull random sentences out of a hat. Why, you ask? Stop being such a whiny bitch and wait for Step 4.
4) Find someone who disagrees with one or more of your newfound, deeply held convictions, and start a fight. If physical weakness or a low pain threshold prevents you from winning a fight, make sure you have a larger friend to hold you back while you yell loudly and gesture like a pissed off orangutan wearing a $75 polo shirt.
5) Join a political party, fraternity, charity, church, university, or any other social organization. Treat anyone who belongs to a different organization as if their opinions and goals are diametrically opposed to yours, and publicly announce that you will destroy them with God on your side. For example, if you attend San Diego State University, you should remember that Presbyterians, Pi Kappa Alpha, and the Green Party are a bunch of lying, pig-f%*&ing Nazis whose days are numbered.
6) Do the same thing with people from other countries.
7) Buy an even bigger gun and use it to carry out your threats from Part 5, then petition the government to carry out your threats from Part 6.

All this may seem incomprehensible, violent, and pointless, but can anything incomprehensible and violent really be pointless? Don't answer that. It was a rhetorical question, which is the only acceptable kind of question, assuming you answer it yourself like Donald Rumsfeld does, so allow me to do so. Wait, what was the question?

Censorship

I am beginning to get tired of being censored all the time. As an American, it is my God-given right to say whatever I want, whenever I want, without the fear of someone telling me, "Hey, buddy, shut the f&@k up," or "Your kind isn't welcome around here," or "Hey man, this is my apartment. You can't just barge in here and start yelling about some Jewish conspiracy. Who the hell are you anyway? And what are you doing waving that gun around in my house? Damn, I've gotta start locking my doors." Don't believe me, read the Constitution while you're really drunk.

But I'm not just talking about the freedom to wear blackface to the mall and yell political slogans at people while they eat dinner in their own house. I'm talking about a lesser known freedom, and one which is under attack at this very moment, all across America: the freedom to use other peoples' and organizations' web space to promote viewpoints that they consider offensive.

That's right, newspapers, political organizations, bloggers, and private citizens all over the country are being permitted to remove comments from their websites, simply because they disagree with the opinions of the people posting them. Comment "moderation" is simply the newest form of censorship, and one that is being used, very effectively, to stifle minority viewpoints. Especially those of white, Protestant men with anger management issues. This is clearly outlawed by the First Amendment. I'll spare you the long-winded details and just show you the relevant section:

"...no...prohibiting the free exercise...of speech, or...the...i..n..t..ern..e..t..."

It's all there, people, you just have to read carefully. Anyone with a website* that allows comments is obligated by law to use their server space to store and display any information that anyone else wants to put on it. No matter that you pay the server fees, and that the domain name is registered to you. The Constitution protects my right to put my soapbox on your blog (just like your lawn) and yell anything I want, no matter how "insane" or "bizarre", whether it's a simple swear word, or a direct death threat against your children.

So there you have it. Free speech is a universal right, except for illegal or recent immigrants. If you don't want people's off-topic or violently offensive writing on your website, you can always stop allowing comments, or you can change you URL once a week so that no one can find your site. But if you allow readers to post on your personal baking or fishing blog, then I claim my right as an American to anonymously call you a Nazi on your comment thread. So go ahead, you fascist, gingerbread-baking bastard. Prove me right and censor me.

*It has come to my attention that many people outside the United States believe that they are not subject to U.S. law. This sticky legal point is currently being settled with guns.

Vegetarian Fascists

As I have said before, the writing on this blog is very well researched. I spend an incredible amount of time watching cable television, surfing the internet, reading People Magazine, and drinking tequila, all of which provide me with a wealth of information and experience on which to build my arguments. For those of you who are still not convinced of the quality of my writing, I would like to remind you that many of the statements I make on this blog run counter to positions held by Adolf Hitler, and you might want to think about that before you question my opinions. To make sure that everyone is clear on this, I am not saying that disagreeing with me makes you a fascist, Nazi-loving, white supremacist maniac. Just that it makes you much more similar to one.

Offended? Perhaps you just need some education about American politics and media. In America, any positive statement, no matter how well-intentioned, leaves the speaker open to immediate political annihilation. Consider, for instance, the statement

"I believe that all people have a right to basic human dignity, and that it is wrong to force people convicted of minor traffic violations to parade through the streets wearing pink thong underwear while the public throws rotten sauerkraut at them. I hereby propose an amendment to protect the rights of people convicted of minor traffic violations."

Your opponent's response to such a statement might go something like this:

"I see that the gentleman from Milwaukee has taken the side of convicted criminals, and would rather spend the legislature's time protecting these criminals than defending law abiding citizens. In fact, his amendment reminds me of a proposal made by Hitler in 1945 to release incarcerated Germans to fight on the Soviet front **cough** fascist **cough** Excuse me."

This may seem unfair, but there is a simple solution. Simply rework the original statement like this:

"The practice of throwing sauerkraut at prisoners may have originated in German prisons under Hitler. I have therefore introduced an amendment banning it. Hitler."

This strategy is extremely important in politics, but it is also easily applicable to many everyday situations. Just remember that anything that you find personally offensive or unpleasant will most likely be related to Adolf Hitler in some way. For instance:

1. Dogs - Hitler owned a German shepherd.
2. Drugs - Hitler was a meth addict.
3. Vegetarianism - that's right, he was a vegetarian

Hitler was also extremely homophobic, and he was probably a closeted homosexual, so gays and homophobic rednecks are all just a bunch of fascist, xenophobic lunatics. He was short, white, ugly, and he had a mustache. He disliked cigarettes and alcohol, and I'm sure that he had many other personal characteristics that may be shared by some of your personal enemies. But why limit yourself to Hitler's actual characteristics, when you're pretty sure that Hitler would likely have approved/disapproved of the thing in question, if he had expressed an opinion (or if he had ever heard of it, or if it existed in the 1940s, depending on context). The important thing is that Hitler would side with your opponent, and that makes you right. But make sure you strike first, because once Hitler's on your side, you're always going to be wrong. Just like those dirty, fascist vegetarians.

Numbers

Recently, I was informed by a TV commercial of a new roadside study, which found that 80% of drivers who tested positive for drugs tested positive for marijuana. To help me interpret this statistic, it explained that marijuana wasn't as fun and safe as I thought it was, and then asked, rhetorically, whether or not I was willing to risk my life (and presumably also the lives of innocent children and puppies) for a little entertainment. I'm not a statistics expert, and so I was forced to conclude that 80% of all traffic accidents in the United States are caused by marijuana, killing many, many puppies. Needless to say, I now support all forms of mandatory penalties for marijuana use.

This isn't the first time that statistics have been used to enrich my life and inform my decisions. My cheesecake diet, for example, was inspired by another TV commercial. If I used regular cream cheese, I might be killing myself with bucketloads of saturated and trans fat, but my brand contains 35% less fat than regular cream cheese. Thanks to this statistic, I can sleep soundly with the knowledge that eating 8 pounds of cheesecake every day is perfectly safe, and in fact quite nutritious.

Statistics can also be represented graphically, in order to help you understand them more easily. For example, I have created the chart below to illustrate the extreme danger posed by auto-erotic asphyxiation. As shown in the chart, you are more than three times as likely to die from strangulation during some weird bedroom ritual than from corn dogs, wolverines, falling pianos, clam chowder, and unicycle accidents combined (disclaimer: specific statistics on this blog may have been made up, but they are at least as reliable as US Weekly survey data). Obviously, running out of air while naked with a plastic bag on your head is a hazard that needs to be taken much more seriously by the American Medical Association. I encourage you to write an obnoxious letter.

Thanks to statistics, I also smoke slim cigarettes to prevent cancer, park my car several blocks from my house to avoid the area around my home where accidents are most likely to occur, own 45 dogs to prolong my life by at least a decade, and only drink laboratory grade distilled water filtered by reverse osmosis. And the best part is that TV and magazine ads do all the math for me. All I have to do is sit back and read the numbers.