Parenting 101

It has recently come to my attention that the world is a dangerous, terrible place in which to raise children. If you don't believe me, just turn on the evening news, and witness for yourself the horrible carnage that I assume to be representative of everyday life for most people. That said, I wanted to use my extensive knowledge of child rearing to help parents confront some of the tough issues facing them today. So without further ado, here are the answers to some questions that I imagine I would have received from readers if anyone actually read this.

Q: Thanks to Oprah and 60 Minutes, I fear that my children will be destroyed by the evil influences of TV, the Internet, and rap music. How can I prevent my six year old from accessing mass media behind my back?
A: Unfortunately, you can't, as today's children are simply too far advanced to control their access to media. For example, while you have trouble operating a conventional toaster oven, your six year old son is locked in his bedroom with a screw driver, a soldering iron, and a set of plans from the web for removing the V-chip from your TV. Once this nefarious project is complete, you will have no choice but to sit back and cry while he consumes all the disturbing pornography and violent rap music he likes from behind his locked door. Your only real option is to immediately put your son on Ritalin.

Q: My daughter is 14, and she is starting to get curious about boys. Pat Robertson tells me that this is an ominous first step on the road to becoming a crack whore, so I withdrew her from public school, burned all her CDs, and removed all phallic objects from my home (yes, especially the salt shaker). Despite my best efforts, she continues to ask me questions about this disgusting subject, even when I put my hands over my ears and shout abstinence slogans. Should I shout louder or just give in and buy ear plugs?
A: Both. The more your daughter learns about sex, the more likely she will be to start bringing home strange men from the truck stop. Fortunately, though, children who never hear anything definite about sex will never become involved with it, instead choosing to live clean, healthy, well adjusted lives. Remember, allowing your child to figure out what a condom is will only send the message that you want her to become a pornographic actress, a prostitute, or some other kind of feminist.

Q: My ten year old daughter constantly shouts obscenities, smokes my cigarettes, and stays up past her bedtime watching lewd cartoons on Adult Swim. What should I do?
A: You should probably check with Dr. Phil on this one. TV usually knows what's best.

Q: I was a two-time state champion wrestler in high school, but my 13 year old son is only interested in drama and music, and I'm afraid he might turn out gay. Can I beat him into being normal, or do I need to step it up a level and get him some steroids?
A: Steroids can be dangerous for a child's physical and emotional development, so you should probably save that option for a last resort (if he starts expressing interest in ballet, for instance). Instead, I recommend a steady program of painful mental and physical conditioning. It is important for your son to realize that art is for women, and that if he doesn't give up on this pansy stuff and start focusing on football, he will probably become gay, which is just a half step from actually being a woman. If all else fails, remember that you can always take refuge on the couch with a bottle of whiskey and pretend that you don't have a son.

Disclaimer: The author of this blog is not a licensed medical professional of any kind, and most of the advice in this column is based on information gathered from lifestyle magazines and cable television outlets while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. That said, it is probably safe to assume that it is all completely accurate, because that's a lot easier than figuring anything out for yourself.