Scripture Lesson
Do you fear homosexuals because God (read: "James Dobson and Pat Robertson") told you to? Or do you fear them because they are revolting, and because you personally can't stand the thought of those disgusting, sweaty, perverted things that you imagine them doing every time you see a man with tight pants, that you see in gory, graphic detail every time you close your eyes, and that haunt your dreams every single night when you sleep and distract you when you're trying to work or watch baseball? Or do you simply fear them because Bill O'Reilly does?
Regardless of your reason, rest assured that it is valid, and that your position is totally justified. In the unlikely event that you ever begin to doubt yourself and begin to think of homosexuals as "people", instead of Satan's army sent to murder your children, turn your wife into a crew-cut lesbian, and force you to listen to David Bowie, you can always fall back on the highest source of authority, as translated into American English (God's language).
That's right, I'm talking about the immortal wisdom of the book of Leviticus, which states unequivocally: Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable (Leviticus 18:22). Apparently, the godless, queer-sympathizing half of America just cannot understand this, but it could not possibly be more clear. Also, in case you've forgotten, here is a short refresher list of other moral reminders from Leviticus:
- Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material (19:19)
- Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard (19:27)
- ...anyone who blasphemes the name of the LORD must be put to death. The entire assembly must stone him (24:16)
- Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves (25:44)
2 comments:
Ok, so I went to a lot of Sunday school as a kid, and I remember most of this silly shit.
In PR this winter we were trying to get the mangoes from this guy's house at dark (the tree was invitingly at the end of the driveway, come on).
Nives, the Serbian post-doc was all like: "No, I can't be a part of this stealing". Then she was all like: "No, it says in the bible you can take as much from your neighbor's tree as you can carry".
I swear to god, that's what she said.
Take-home-message: You can take the mangoes, but not put them in your pocket. Thank you divine and holy baby Jesus for this teaching.
Listen you "Project Runway"-having homo. Maybe it's just my inability to confront personal issues or maybe you've got too many dicks up your butt to think straight, but either way, who gave you the right to put up such a disgusting show of affection between two men? I can honestly say that this is the most inappropriate thing that has ever been posted on the internet. How dare you turn the once noble web into an enormous catalog of pornography. You need to put your life into perspective, and do what I assume every good queer-hating American does when they begin to question their sexuality--masturbate to the thought of benching massive amounts of weight while crying in front of the mirror angled at their own asshole.
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