Identity For Sale

What defines you as a person? This question has been debated by a multitude of very serious people, including most major religions and philosophers, since the beginning of conscious human thought. The answer, however, is simple: your iPod. Thanks to the inovative fake liberals at Apple, you can finally display the personal style you learned from MTV and The OC with a colorful piece of plastic full of trendy, stolen music. Although individual identity has traditionally been considered a complicated and abstract concept, recent advances in marketing have revealed that any human soul can be represented in its entirety by the size, cost, and color scheme of an mp3 player. "Which iPod are you?" challenges the consumer to look deep within himself and decide whether he is a shuffle, nano, or classic, and it urges you to shell out the required $99 to $399 to complete your personality. You can even contribute more to your newfound identity by adding accessories and choosing personal options. Your new iPod will do more than just play music: it will liberate you from the controls of an oppressive society. So make Abbie Hoffman proud. Stick it to the man, and be an individual by paying someone else to tell you who you are.

Things Are Getting Serious

If anyone can read this, destroy your computer immediately. This blog is of no importance whatsoever to anyone, and the fact that you continue to read means only that you do not realize the seriousness of the situation. The entire world is saturated with media, and now, thanks to the miracle of technology, any jackass with an email address can use tools intended for serious and useful purposes to post worthless trash on the web. Trash like this. If you continue to read this sort of thing, your brain will be reduced to a smoldering wad of gum inside your skull, serving only to keep your organs alive to allow you to read more blogs. You are wasting your life reading about how you are wasting your life.