Crack, Hitler, and Pacman

Ever since some asshole first mixed freebase cocaine with baking soda back in the '80s, crack has been the worldwide standard against which all addictions are judged. Just as any person who does not agree with you can be compared (by varying degrees) to Adolf Hitler, any behavior that is in any way compulsive or unhealthy can be compared to crack addiction. This scale is used by media outlets to gauge the addictive potential of an activity or item (or to measure its similarity to Hitler).


Originally, this kind of comparison was usually sarcastic, serving only as humorous social commentary. But, like all good social commentary, its literal accuracy was soon discovered, and a powerful scientific tool was born. Now it is possible to quantify precisely (according to the color gradient), just how addictive the things you do every day are. And even better, you can now live in a state of constant fear that the things you like to do will eventually seize control of your life and violently end it. Which brings us to today's topic: video games.

Before the development of the "Crack/Hitler Scale", video games were seen largely as a passtime. At best, they were considered enjoyable entertainment that could improve your hand-eye coordination and critical thinking skills. At worst, they were just a complete waste of time. Thanks to the Crack/Hitler Scale, though, society is now aware of the dangers posed by video game addiction, which, according to Mothers Against Videogame Addiction and Violence (MAVAV), is "comparable now, even to drug and alcohol abuse."

That's right, parents. More kids are exposed to the dangers of video games every day on television, at friends' houses, at school, and even in their own homes. Video gaming has risen to the level of epidemic, and there is no immediate end in sight. In fact, chances are that your child has already begun experimenting with games, venturing onto the slippery slope of addiction. But there is hope.

People can now undergo counseling for this crippling addiction, and recent research has suggested the use of an innovative, national level solution called "prohibition". This program, based on similar programs designed to control dangerous political speech in North Korea, China, Cuba, and Belarus, among others, will rescue our children from the dispicable, smut pedaling, computer programming deviants who are erroding the moral fiber of America. Soon, our country will be safe from the destructive influences of games like Hitman, Doom, World of Warcraft, and Pacman, because all video games will be illegal, just like crack.

So support your local prohibitionist chapter. It's your only hope to save your children from becoming homeless, jobless addicts who can't control their urges to commit unspeakable acts of violence. And if that doesn't bother you, do you know who else didn't care about video game addiction? Hitler.