An American Hero

I've always had difficulty answering questions about who my heroes are. I suppose I have always been hesitant to believe that a person can rise to a level of excellence that deserves the total, unabashed admiration of complete strangers and the label "hero".

Today, however, my highest hopes for mankind have finally been realized. The zenith of human achievement has been reached, and we all stand in awe of a true American hero: John Giboney.

That's right, my friend. That photo you see here is real, and it really does depict John (who once famously drank a 24 oz bottle of maple syrup in 20 seconds) chugging an enormous quantity of pickle juice, a stunt which he miraculously survived unharmed.

With the performance of such a spectacular feat, how can anyone place a limit on the potential of man to achieve, to conquer all obstacles in the single minded pursuit of greatness? Surely the cure for cancer, the control of nuclear fusion, and the return of good Simpsons episodes must be just around the corner, as word of John's accomplishment spreads around the globe, inspiring a generation of young people.

So for those of you who know John, buy this man a drink. And for those of you who don't, you can still raise your glasses and drink a toast to a true American hero.

Canada Sucks

Some of you out there may not approve of the title of this post, and I might even be accused of being a racist. However, the Canadiens are not a race, they are a hockey team, and the Canadians aren't a race either, they're just polite Americans with funny accents and free medical care. In fact, the title of this blog entry is a little misleading, as I have been to Canada twice and found it to be a very nice place filled with friendly people and progressive politics.

What I really meant to say, and what would have been a more appropriate title, is that Magdalena, New Mexico sucks. That's much better, because not only is it the way I feel, it's an objective fact. If you don't believe me, read its Wikipedia article (keeping in mind that Wikipedia's policies prevent articles from stating that something sucks, so you might have to read between the lines a little), or just look at it here on Google Maps. Seriously, this place is a barren, God forsaken hell hole out in the middle of the desert. It has one gas station, the entire town lies directly on the highway, and its entire economy is dependent on speeding tickets given out by their cop (singular).

Which brings me to my next point: I am a fugitive from justice, and I can never again risk entering the state of New Mexico for fear of incarceration. That's right, I refuse (or repeatedly forget) to pay the extortion fee leveled against me for reaching 65 mph eight seconds too early, and so a warrant has been issued for my arrest (I think). So if anyone from New Mexico is reading this, the next time you're down at the Department of Motor Vehicles, tell them that they can have my $65 when they pry it from my cold, dead hands (or when I finally remember to mail that damn ticket). And Magdalena, New Mexico (and not Canada after all) sucks.

Save Yourself

It occurred to me a while back (read: three and a half minutes ago) that I've gotten away from the original purpose of my blog: convincing people that the Internet is a weird, terrible place, and that your involvement with it will, sooner or later, cause your brain to explode within your head, leaving your lifeless body propped up in your computer chair reading blogs. This is not a joke, and your life is in serious danger.

The only way to save yourself is to immediately navigate away from my site and purchase a plane ticket to Dhaka. As soon as you're done with that, go to the garage, get out your ladder, climb to the top of your house, and throw your computer from the roof. Climb down and set what's left of it on fire, then run over it several times with your car until you're sure that it's dead.

I realize that it's a little late to lecture you, but you probably should have listened to your fourth grade teacher when he/she told you to read all the directions before you start something. Because if you didn't, then now you're stuck with a destroyed laptop and an expensive plane ticket to a place you've never heard of, you have no idea what to do next because the rest of the directions are online, and you're pretty much screwed. If you're still reading this, though, congratulations! You did learn something in grade school, and our public school system seems like a little less of a dismal failure. You're still in pretty serious trouble, though, so stay with me here.

Now that you've killed your computer before it could kill you, and you have your plane ticket, get your ass to the airport and abandon civilization. You can't risk staying here, because by the end of the week your TV will have convinced you to buy a new computer, and you'll be right back here drinking whiskey from the bottle and crying yourself to sleep while you update your Facebook profile.

If you're still reading this, what the hell is wrong with you? Do you not understand what is at stake here? Get on the plane, get off the plane onto a goat, and ride the goat out into the Bangladeshi wilderness where the Internet won't find you for at least two years. Godspeed, friend.