Censorship

I am beginning to get tired of being censored all the time. As an American, it is my God-given right to say whatever I want, whenever I want, without the fear of someone telling me, "Hey, buddy, shut the f&@k up," or "Your kind isn't welcome around here," or "Hey man, this is my apartment. You can't just barge in here and start yelling about some Jewish conspiracy. Who the hell are you anyway? And what are you doing waving that gun around in my house? Damn, I've gotta start locking my doors." Don't believe me, read the Constitution while you're really drunk.

But I'm not just talking about the freedom to wear blackface to the mall and yell political slogans at people while they eat dinner in their own house. I'm talking about a lesser known freedom, and one which is under attack at this very moment, all across America: the freedom to use other peoples' and organizations' web space to promote viewpoints that they consider offensive.

That's right, newspapers, political organizations, bloggers, and private citizens all over the country are being permitted to remove comments from their websites, simply because they disagree with the opinions of the people posting them. Comment "moderation" is simply the newest form of censorship, and one that is being used, very effectively, to stifle minority viewpoints. Especially those of white, Protestant men with anger management issues. This is clearly outlawed by the First Amendment. I'll spare you the long-winded details and just show you the relevant section:

"...no...prohibiting the free exercise...of speech, or...the...i..n..t..ern..e..t..."

It's all there, people, you just have to read carefully. Anyone with a website* that allows comments is obligated by law to use their server space to store and display any information that anyone else wants to put on it. No matter that you pay the server fees, and that the domain name is registered to you. The Constitution protects my right to put my soapbox on your blog (just like your lawn) and yell anything I want, no matter how "insane" or "bizarre", whether it's a simple swear word, or a direct death threat against your children.

So there you have it. Free speech is a universal right, except for illegal or recent immigrants. If you don't want people's off-topic or violently offensive writing on your website, you can always stop allowing comments, or you can change you URL once a week so that no one can find your site. But if you allow readers to post on your personal baking or fishing blog, then I claim my right as an American to anonymously call you a Nazi on your comment thread. So go ahead, you fascist, gingerbread-baking bastard. Prove me right and censor me.

*It has come to my attention that many people outside the United States believe that they are not subject to U.S. law. This sticky legal point is currently being settled with guns.

Vegetarian Fascists

As I have said before, the writing on this blog is very well researched. I spend an incredible amount of time watching cable television, surfing the internet, reading People Magazine, and drinking tequila, all of which provide me with a wealth of information and experience on which to build my arguments. For those of you who are still not convinced of the quality of my writing, I would like to remind you that many of the statements I make on this blog run counter to positions held by Adolf Hitler, and you might want to think about that before you question my opinions. To make sure that everyone is clear on this, I am not saying that disagreeing with me makes you a fascist, Nazi-loving, white supremacist maniac. Just that it makes you much more similar to one.

Offended? Perhaps you just need some education about American politics and media. In America, any positive statement, no matter how well-intentioned, leaves the speaker open to immediate political annihilation. Consider, for instance, the statement

"I believe that all people have a right to basic human dignity, and that it is wrong to force people convicted of minor traffic violations to parade through the streets wearing pink thong underwear while the public throws rotten sauerkraut at them. I hereby propose an amendment to protect the rights of people convicted of minor traffic violations."

Your opponent's response to such a statement might go something like this:

"I see that the gentleman from Milwaukee has taken the side of convicted criminals, and would rather spend the legislature's time protecting these criminals than defending law abiding citizens. In fact, his amendment reminds me of a proposal made by Hitler in 1945 to release incarcerated Germans to fight on the Soviet front **cough** fascist **cough** Excuse me."

This may seem unfair, but there is a simple solution. Simply rework the original statement like this:

"The practice of throwing sauerkraut at prisoners may have originated in German prisons under Hitler. I have therefore introduced an amendment banning it. Hitler."

This strategy is extremely important in politics, but it is also easily applicable to many everyday situations. Just remember that anything that you find personally offensive or unpleasant will most likely be related to Adolf Hitler in some way. For instance:

1. Dogs - Hitler owned a German shepherd.
2. Drugs - Hitler was a meth addict.
3. Vegetarianism - that's right, he was a vegetarian

Hitler was also extremely homophobic, and he was probably a closeted homosexual, so gays and homophobic rednecks are all just a bunch of fascist, xenophobic lunatics. He was short, white, ugly, and he had a mustache. He disliked cigarettes and alcohol, and I'm sure that he had many other personal characteristics that may be shared by some of your personal enemies. But why limit yourself to Hitler's actual characteristics, when you're pretty sure that Hitler would likely have approved/disapproved of the thing in question, if he had expressed an opinion (or if he had ever heard of it, or if it existed in the 1940s, depending on context). The important thing is that Hitler would side with your opponent, and that makes you right. But make sure you strike first, because once Hitler's on your side, you're always going to be wrong. Just like those dirty, fascist vegetarians.