Dynamite TV

If you are male college student, then lately you might be saying to yourself, "Where is all the free beer? And what about the hilarious sexual adventures with 26-year-old freshman women with fake tans, fake boobs, and short skirts? My television promised me these things, and it really hurts to be lied to by the plastic object that raised me." Well, reader, some people would argue that your expectations are comically naive (and sexist), and that apparently you've been so successfully brainwashed by Van Wilder and Road Trip that you can no longer distinguish reality from the twisted fantasy world being used by rich people in Los Angeles used to sell you cologne and diet soda. These same people would probably also suggest to you that the zany, hilarious, alcohol-fueled hijinks that you remember from high school are actually figments of your underfunctioning imagination, and that your formative years probably looked a lot more like Napoleon Dynamite than American Pie.

But not me. No sir, you don't get the massive traffic I have on my blog by insulting your readership, and so I'm here to tell you that your expectations are totally legitimate, and that real problem is not you, but Reality. And I don't mean Reality like on Fox. I mean Reality like the one where people in high school are 16-18 year-old kids, where the underdog gets beat by 45 points, and where someone getting accidentally hit in the balls isn't funny.

Alright, so maybe that's still funny, but the point is that Reality sucks. In real life, everything is anticlimactic, drama is mostly imaginary (and devoid of tension-heightening music), and effective product placement is difficult because there aren't that many cameras. Your friends in Reality have uneventful relationships, they have boring jobs, and, unlike your other, cooler friends from the TV, very few of them have spray tans and surgically enhanced facial features.

Reality contains a lot of weird, ugly people with unflattering clothes and complicated, 3-dimensional personalities, most of whom are not particularly photogenic. In fact, many of these "real" people are only entertaining if you interact with them for extended periods of time. To make matters worse, most people outside of your television will become offended if you yell at them and attempt to switch channels whenever they say something that you disagree with or find boring, and so long-term interaction may actually become a requirement for dealing with them.

So what can be done about this, you ask? The simplest solution is to just live in your TV. But before you run out to Best Buy and purchase five plasma screens large enough to completely cover the walls and ceiling in your living room, you might want to check your bank account to make sure that you have the $50,000 required to complete this insanely awesome project that will permanently transform your life for the better.

Unfortunately, most of you (or the, at most, one person who reads this), do not have this kind of money, and so you will have to rely on the budget-friendly alternative: smash the glass on the front of your CRT monitor and climb inside.* This is probably going to hurt, so you're going to want to get good and wasted before you start, and you might want to turn the volume down so you don't hurt your ears. I'm not an electrical engineer,** so I can't be certain what happens when you drunkenly force your head into a television that is turned on, and I'm not lawyer,*** so I don't know if your next of kin should sue me or Panasonic. But there's one thing you can be sure of when you're jamming your face through a cracked piece of glass into a box full of cathode ray tubes and high voltage capacitors: it has to be better than Reality.

*Your TV might not be large enough to fit your entire body inside, but don't worry, your head is all you need.
**Probably.
***Definitely.