Gettin' Down with the Homies

Do you have something important to say that could benefit children and young adults? Perhaps you would like to encourage them to be more fiscally responsible? Or maybe you are concerned that they might not be aware of the dangers of not wearing their seat belts, premarital sex, cholesterol, or the reefer? Or maybe you just have a product to sell, and you realize that teenagers can persuade their parents to buy stuff more easily than TV commercials?

In any case, if you were born before 1980, then you probably have trouble talking to the kids (that's right, people born in the '70s are old now). But rest assured, there is hope. As one of the oldest representatives of today's troubled youth, I'm going to help you figure out how to relate to the childrens, and I'm going, yet again, to provide my advice free of charge in list format:

1. Always remember that kids have trouble understanding people who don't speak their language. Because rap music is their primary cultural influence, you need to familiarize yourself very thoroughly with the works of Vanilla Ice and Sir Mix-a-Lot in order to communicate with today's youth. Remember that you need to be "down" with the "homies," and take care not to "front." Wearing your baseball cap backwards will make you seem more accessible and increase your "street cred." And, in case you're concerned, this kind of behavior from a middle-aged suburban white person is not racist. Not even a little bit.
2. Teenagers lack the linguistic skills of adults. It's important to make sure that you don't use any big words or complicated sentences. If there's any doubt, try to confine yourself to words with less than two syllables and sentences under 7 or 8 words.
3. It's also important to swear a lot, but keep in mind that you might not be able to keep up with the incredible geysers of profanity spewing from underage mouths. Phrases like "b*ner biting b@$t@rd uncle f@*ker" are probably far beyond your skill level, and you don't want to compromise your moralizing authority anyway, so try to confine yourself to the general ballpark of "darn" and "heck."
   
4. Today's kids lack life experience and historical perspective. This means that they could benefit greatly from your recollection of the good old days, especially combined with your insightful criticism of text messaging and low rider jeans. But remember to always keep that hat on backwards.
5. What may seem like you like violent, cynical nihilism is in fact violent, cynical nihilism. But this is what the current generation has instead of patriotism and a can-do attitude, so you'd better learn to deal with it.

That should get you started. If you run into trouble, just ask yourself, "What would The Fonz do in this situation?" The correct answer is always the same: "Who the hell is The Fonz?"