'Tis the Season

When you go to an end-of-the-year Christmas party, all dressed up in ridiculous red and greenery, almost finished with finals, and without a care in the world, there's only one thing on your mind. That's right, kicking the crap out of someone you just met so that everyone will know what a badass you are. And then getting your ass kicked by that same person because you're drunk and he's better at fighting than you are. And then causing a giant brawl in the street because your friends see you getting your ass kicked and punch a bystander on crutches in retaliation. And then getting beaten with that guy's crutches by his friends while everyone scrambles to break up the fight before the neighbors call the police.

The scenario I just described (and which I saw last night) is a refreshing reminder that people at my school have not forgotten the true spirit of Christmas, and of partying in general. Sure, parties can provide a fun atmosphere for people to forget about class for a few hours, play some drinking games, and get to know some people of the opposite sex, but we should always remember that they are really about the violence.

So when you go out to a house party this weekend, remember why you're there. Don't let the thought of pretty girls playing beer pong in short, red and green skirts distract you from the real goal of the night: lying face down in the road in front of someone else's house and getting beaten over the head with a crutch.

Damn It's Nice Outside

For those of you who know me from home, I want to ask you a favor: take a quick look out the window at the frigid lunar hellscape that is the Midwest in November. What's the temperature? 32.1 degrees, maybe? Just warm enough that it can still rain. I bet your dog won't even go outside. Anyway, I just wanted to remind all of you that it's 65 degrees after dark here, that it was 75 and sunny earlier today, and that it must suck to be you.

Note: If you are reading this from California and getting smug, remember that there could be a devastating earthquake or a riot at any moment.

Crazy Carl and the Evil Empire

Microsoft is evil. Maybe not as evil as those fascist bastards at Apple, but evil nonetheless. Those of you who know me may know that I have a friend whose father works for this monstrosity. I'll call him Crazy Carl to avoid naming names, especially in light of his evil status. You may also know that I have expressed these opinions about Apple and Microsoft in the past, and perhaps you have heard me advocate alternatives to the degrading mental slavery imposed by Crazy Carl and the computer software Gestapo. If you haven't heard any of them before, you must not have talked to me for very long.

The first, and maybe the best, is to flee the civilized world. Burn your house and all your possessions and run into the woods carrying only a Swiss Army knife and a box of matches. Live off of gathered nuts and fruit, and make a new life for yourself among the plants, the animals, and the other fugitive readers of my blog.

If this is impossible because of your personal circumstances (family obligations, fear of insects, etc.), you can always take the militant route and fight back with everything you have. Unfortunately, unless you happen to be the head representative of a large country, the entire Walton family, or the sole possessor of some kind of horrific doomsday device, "everything you have" probably amounts to less money than Microsoft executives spend on shoelaces in a given week, and less power than their chauffeurs' butlers' assistants have. So good luck.

Among the other possible alternatives to eternal bondage at the hands of Crazy Carl: a life lived in a drug-induced haze, misguided idealistic rebellion (preferably symbolized by Che Guevara), acceptance of a job at Microsoft and the loss of your soul, and, always popular, complete denial. Better than all of these, however, and my personal favorite, is petty and childish retaliation. This requires no resources, skill, or even intelligence. Irritating behavior comes naturally to most people, and stupid pranks can be pulled by just about anyone, so get out there and make a nuissance of yourself.

Spray paint crude jokes about Bill Gates in a bathroom stall in Redmond, WA. Write an angry letter to Microsoft's customer service department, with no reference to anything specific. Open an internet-based store and sell T-shirts bearing anti-Microsoft slogans. Steal product keys to Microsoft software packages and give them out for free while you run Linux on a generic computer you bought factory direct from Taiwan for $50. And last but not least, remember to slander Crazy Carl anonymously on the internet.

Drugs Are Straight Wack, Yo.

Before you read this, take a quick look at http://www.usdoj.gov/dea/pubs/straight/cover.htm

This is the cover of the DEA's online educational (in this context, educational means anti-drug) magazine for students, "Get It Straight." Seriously, I'm not making this up. Should you choose to read it, you will find the main reason that our government's drug policy is not taken seriously by anyone under the age of 40.

"Get It Straight" is part of the U.S. government's drug prevention campaign, and its message is familiar. Like many of its predecessors, including the D.A.R.E. program, it aims to educate kids about the dangers of drugs in order to prevent them from making uneducated and potentially dangerous choices about drug use. This is a worthy goal, and it should be taken more seriously by the government, and by society in general.

Unfortunately, no one could possibly take this effort seriously. With phrases like "here's how the pages shake down" and "the posse's lowdown on drugs" (that's right, they call themselves "the prevention posse"), there is only thing missing to complete this pathetic parody of what was popular in 1991: a celebrity endorsement from Vanilla Ice. Just look at the pictures, and you will see exactly what I mean.

This may seem funny, and it is, but it is also a perfect example of what our government, our schools, and even our parents do not seem to realize about drug education: anti-drug efforts will never be cool, and they do not need to be in order to be successful. Drug education should inform kids (without exaggerating) about the dangers of drugs, and encourage them to make responsible and safe decisions regarding drug use. It should not tell them that drugs are "totally bogus, dog" and that staying drug free is "straight kickin', yo." Attempts like these to speak to kids on their own level invariably come off as insulting and embarrassing performances. They also compromise the integrity of the authority figure, and with that, any chance that the advice will be taken seriously.

So remember, adults, kids are not your "homies", and they will not be convinced that drugs are "wack" by fake rap music recorded by studio artists. If our government and our schools really want to keep kids away from drugs, maybe they should respect their intelligence and stop treating them like baggy-jeans-and-backwards-hat-wearing, MC Hammer-loving stereotypes who don't know how to "Get It Straight."

Identity For Sale

What defines you as a person? This question has been debated by a multitude of very serious people, including most major religions and philosophers, since the beginning of conscious human thought. The answer, however, is simple: your iPod. Thanks to the inovative fake liberals at Apple, you can finally display the personal style you learned from MTV and The OC with a colorful piece of plastic full of trendy, stolen music. Although individual identity has traditionally been considered a complicated and abstract concept, recent advances in marketing have revealed that any human soul can be represented in its entirety by the size, cost, and color scheme of an mp3 player. "Which iPod are you?" challenges the consumer to look deep within himself and decide whether he is a shuffle, nano, or classic, and it urges you to shell out the required $99 to $399 to complete your personality. You can even contribute more to your newfound identity by adding accessories and choosing personal options. Your new iPod will do more than just play music: it will liberate you from the controls of an oppressive society. So make Abbie Hoffman proud. Stick it to the man, and be an individual by paying someone else to tell you who you are.

Things Are Getting Serious

If anyone can read this, destroy your computer immediately. This blog is of no importance whatsoever to anyone, and the fact that you continue to read means only that you do not realize the seriousness of the situation. The entire world is saturated with media, and now, thanks to the miracle of technology, any jackass with an email address can use tools intended for serious and useful purposes to post worthless trash on the web. Trash like this. If you continue to read this sort of thing, your brain will be reduced to a smoldering wad of gum inside your skull, serving only to keep your organs alive to allow you to read more blogs. You are wasting your life reading about how you are wasting your life.