Crazy Carl and the Evil Empire

Microsoft is evil. Maybe not as evil as those fascist bastards at Apple, but evil nonetheless. Those of you who know me may know that I have a friend whose father works for this monstrosity. I'll call him Crazy Carl to avoid naming names, especially in light of his evil status. You may also know that I have expressed these opinions about Apple and Microsoft in the past, and perhaps you have heard me advocate alternatives to the degrading mental slavery imposed by Crazy Carl and the computer software Gestapo. If you haven't heard any of them before, you must not have talked to me for very long.

The first, and maybe the best, is to flee the civilized world. Burn your house and all your possessions and run into the woods carrying only a Swiss Army knife and a box of matches. Live off of gathered nuts and fruit, and make a new life for yourself among the plants, the animals, and the other fugitive readers of my blog.

If this is impossible because of your personal circumstances (family obligations, fear of insects, etc.), you can always take the militant route and fight back with everything you have. Unfortunately, unless you happen to be the head representative of a large country, the entire Walton family, or the sole possessor of some kind of horrific doomsday device, "everything you have" probably amounts to less money than Microsoft executives spend on shoelaces in a given week, and less power than their chauffeurs' butlers' assistants have. So good luck.

Among the other possible alternatives to eternal bondage at the hands of Crazy Carl: a life lived in a drug-induced haze, misguided idealistic rebellion (preferably symbolized by Che Guevara), acceptance of a job at Microsoft and the loss of your soul, and, always popular, complete denial. Better than all of these, however, and my personal favorite, is petty and childish retaliation. This requires no resources, skill, or even intelligence. Irritating behavior comes naturally to most people, and stupid pranks can be pulled by just about anyone, so get out there and make a nuissance of yourself.

Spray paint crude jokes about Bill Gates in a bathroom stall in Redmond, WA. Write an angry letter to Microsoft's customer service department, with no reference to anything specific. Open an internet-based store and sell T-shirts bearing anti-Microsoft slogans. Steal product keys to Microsoft software packages and give them out for free while you run Linux on a generic computer you bought factory direct from Taiwan for $50. And last but not least, remember to slander Crazy Carl anonymously on the internet.