Damn It's Nice Outside

For those of you who know me from home, I want to ask you a favor: take a quick look out the window at the frigid lunar hellscape that is the Midwest in November. What's the temperature? 32.1 degrees, maybe? Just warm enough that it can still rain. I bet your dog won't even go outside. Anyway, I just wanted to remind all of you that it's 65 degrees after dark here, that it was 75 and sunny earlier today, and that it must suck to be you.

Note: If you are reading this from California and getting smug, remember that there could be a devastating earthquake or a riot at any moment.

Crazy Carl and the Evil Empire

Microsoft is evil. Maybe not as evil as those fascist bastards at Apple, but evil nonetheless. Those of you who know me may know that I have a friend whose father works for this monstrosity. I'll call him Crazy Carl to avoid naming names, especially in light of his evil status. You may also know that I have expressed these opinions about Apple and Microsoft in the past, and perhaps you have heard me advocate alternatives to the degrading mental slavery imposed by Crazy Carl and the computer software Gestapo. If you haven't heard any of them before, you must not have talked to me for very long.

The first, and maybe the best, is to flee the civilized world. Burn your house and all your possessions and run into the woods carrying only a Swiss Army knife and a box of matches. Live off of gathered nuts and fruit, and make a new life for yourself among the plants, the animals, and the other fugitive readers of my blog.

If this is impossible because of your personal circumstances (family obligations, fear of insects, etc.), you can always take the militant route and fight back with everything you have. Unfortunately, unless you happen to be the head representative of a large country, the entire Walton family, or the sole possessor of some kind of horrific doomsday device, "everything you have" probably amounts to less money than Microsoft executives spend on shoelaces in a given week, and less power than their chauffeurs' butlers' assistants have. So good luck.

Among the other possible alternatives to eternal bondage at the hands of Crazy Carl: a life lived in a drug-induced haze, misguided idealistic rebellion (preferably symbolized by Che Guevara), acceptance of a job at Microsoft and the loss of your soul, and, always popular, complete denial. Better than all of these, however, and my personal favorite, is petty and childish retaliation. This requires no resources, skill, or even intelligence. Irritating behavior comes naturally to most people, and stupid pranks can be pulled by just about anyone, so get out there and make a nuissance of yourself.

Spray paint crude jokes about Bill Gates in a bathroom stall in Redmond, WA. Write an angry letter to Microsoft's customer service department, with no reference to anything specific. Open an internet-based store and sell T-shirts bearing anti-Microsoft slogans. Steal product keys to Microsoft software packages and give them out for free while you run Linux on a generic computer you bought factory direct from Taiwan for $50. And last but not least, remember to slander Crazy Carl anonymously on the internet.

Drugs Are Straight Wack, Yo.

Before you read this, take a quick look at http://www.usdoj.gov/dea/pubs/straight/cover.htm

This is the cover of the DEA's online educational (in this context, educational means anti-drug) magazine for students, "Get It Straight." Seriously, I'm not making this up. Should you choose to read it, you will find the main reason that our government's drug policy is not taken seriously by anyone under the age of 40.

"Get It Straight" is part of the U.S. government's drug prevention campaign, and its message is familiar. Like many of its predecessors, including the D.A.R.E. program, it aims to educate kids about the dangers of drugs in order to prevent them from making uneducated and potentially dangerous choices about drug use. This is a worthy goal, and it should be taken more seriously by the government, and by society in general.

Unfortunately, no one could possibly take this effort seriously. With phrases like "here's how the pages shake down" and "the posse's lowdown on drugs" (that's right, they call themselves "the prevention posse"), there is only thing missing to complete this pathetic parody of what was popular in 1991: a celebrity endorsement from Vanilla Ice. Just look at the pictures, and you will see exactly what I mean.

This may seem funny, and it is, but it is also a perfect example of what our government, our schools, and even our parents do not seem to realize about drug education: anti-drug efforts will never be cool, and they do not need to be in order to be successful. Drug education should inform kids (without exaggerating) about the dangers of drugs, and encourage them to make responsible and safe decisions regarding drug use. It should not tell them that drugs are "totally bogus, dog" and that staying drug free is "straight kickin', yo." Attempts like these to speak to kids on their own level invariably come off as insulting and embarrassing performances. They also compromise the integrity of the authority figure, and with that, any chance that the advice will be taken seriously.

So remember, adults, kids are not your "homies", and they will not be convinced that drugs are "wack" by fake rap music recorded by studio artists. If our government and our schools really want to keep kids away from drugs, maybe they should respect their intelligence and stop treating them like baggy-jeans-and-backwards-hat-wearing, MC Hammer-loving stereotypes who don't know how to "Get It Straight."