Go Green

With our civilization's impending death from choking on its own waste looming, we all need to make a special effort to pitch in and reverse course. "But how can I do this?" a nonexistent but rhetorically useful reader asks. While regular readers (who, again, only exist for their rhetorical value) might expect me to offer a simple solution, I'm afraid that guns and whiskey can't solve this one, at least not entirely. On the contrary, there are many things that all of us can do to help out, but we need to act fast if we are going to save our planet. Feel free to mix and match from the following list:

1. Buy appliances. You should already know this from watching TV, but your inefficient washing machine, microwave, blender, curling iron, electric-powered back scratcher, coal-fired nose hair trimmer, etc. are killing the planet. If you care about the environment, you must immediately throw all your possessions in the trash (or local stream, pond, or bird sanctuary), and upgrade to the latest energy star models. But why stop there? You can save the planet even harder by purchasing efficient appliances that you don't own yet. It doesn't matter that you don't need them or don't even understand their functions. We all have to make sacrifices.
2. Wear earth tones. Nothing says "I love the environment" like a huge walk-in closet full of brown, beige, olive, green, charcoal, walnut, forest, slate, chocolate, harvest, sand, and tan colored fur coats.
3. Heat your house by burning old garbage. This may be dangerous, and is almost certainly illegal, but styrofoam burns very hot, and since I consume several metric tons annually, it makes sense to get everything I can out of my investment. You can use the fire to power your water heater, but I recommend venting the smoke directly into your living room to limit heat transfer losses and maximize efficiency.
   
4. Drive a hybrid gas/electric bicycle. It will get much better mileage than your standard 6-cylinder gas-powered bicycle.
5. Kill animals. I know that you've probably been brainwashed by the public school system, PBS, and the "conservationist" lobby, but it's simple math, people. Fewer mouths to feed means more food for the rest of us, and less land devoted to "natural habitats" means more space for shopping malls and firing ranges. Plus, burning the carcasses (see #3) can provide useful energy.

This list is incomplete, but I will be adding to it in a series of installments. Also, keep an eye out for my tips on what you can do to fix the economy. And remember, guns and whiskey may solve political problems, but only a worldwide orgy of vicious consumerism can save our planet.