Risk Management

As I am sure you are all aware, most of us will die from poisoned Halloween candy, West Nile virus, gunshot wounds incurred during home invasions, or in explosions on commercial aircraft.* There is a well-known scientific (or media, or something) correlation between how rare or frightening something is, and how likely it is to kill you.

The same logic obviously applies to the risks that our children face. While you waste your time worrying about your children bullying/getting bullied, rotting their brains with TV and Harry Potter books, and suffering from borderline malnutrition from eating only chicken nuggets and school cafeteria pizza, the real dangers are lurking, hidden from the public eye on the front page of the New York Times. Did you know, for example, that your son or daughter will almost certainly** be attending a "pharm party" this weekend, where he/she will randomly ingest large quantities of randomly selected pills stolen from other parents' medicine cabinets or purchased on the street from dangerous minorities? Yeah.

So what to do about this, you ask? The answer, while surprisingly simple, requires a very high level of commitment: avoid absolutely anything unfamiliar or unusual at all times. Thinking of riding your bike to work? Forget it. Leaving the safety of your car will expose you to the environment, which could potentially include escaped research monkeys infected with hepatitis C. Thinking of becoming a vegetarian? Well, my hippie friend, what happens when you're diagnosed with a rare form of cancer linked to underconsumption of pelican meat? Want to learn how to play the violin? We'll see how talented you are when a freak structural flaw causes your new instrument to explode on that A#, lodging a 9-inch splinter in your carotid artery.

The list goes on, but the point remains the same: keep your ass on the couch with a cold Budweiser in your hand and your favorite NBA team on the TV, or risk certain and spectacular death at the hands of something you're not creative enough to imagine.

*Or heart disease, cancer, stroke, chronic lower respiratory disease, accidents, diabetes, Alzheimer's, influenza or pneumonia, in that order of probability (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/FASTATS/deaths.htm)
**Maybe