Our Precious Bodily Fluids

Over the course of the last 200 years, many strange things have happened in America that the federal government has failed to explain adequately. While you may believe that the president, the FBI, congress, the CIA, the EPA, the IRS, etc. have not weighed in on these issues because they are incompetent, the conclusions are obvious, or these things simply fall beyond the scope of their respective duties, the reality is far more complex and sinister. The truth is that your government is concealing information, rewriting history, and secretly operating camps in Nevada where the mentally ill are brainwashed, trained as vicious killing machines, and used to systematically terrorize political dissidents.*

Everything you see on TV, read in the newspaper, hear around the water cooler at work, or think to yourself quietly while camping in rural Canada is part of an elaborate and carefully controlled alternate reality constructed by a secret cabal of powerful figures for their own nefarious purposes. What purposes, you ask? I think you're missing the point here.

Their plan is cleverly obscured by the nebulous mass of misinformation and giant piles of red herring strewn about our media and culture, and so freedom fighters like myself can only piece together clues about their ultimate, morally deviant goals. But I think we can safely speculate that it has something to do with Reform Judaism and/or homosexuality.

Think about it. Some dumb redneck with U.S. Marine Corp rifle training kills JFK for no particularly good reason? I know, its easy to believe the "simple" explanation and give in to the idea that Kennedy was killed by the man who obviously shot him. If you do some research, though, you can begin to uncover the truth, as explained by Kevin Costner's character. Likewise, you might be tempted to think that a group of emotionally disturbed young men from various Middle Eastern countries decided to fly planes into buildings and kill a bunch of innocent people on September 11, 2001. For most people, it is very difficult to understand why someone would do something so horrible (especially in the name of a religion which is suspiciously similar to Christianity), and so, again, we are left with only one possible conclusion: 9/11 was orchestrated by the powers that be, including the Bush administration**, to draw media attention away from their nefarious activities (including the previously mentioned training camps in Nevada). All the tragedy and chaos of those events was planned, to the last detail, in order keep the public in the dark about what is really going on.

And what is it that is really going on, you ask? I'm not sure yet, but the evidence is all around us. Every day there are new alien sightings and secret government coverups, and every day more flouride is added to the water supply. So build a Faraday cage around your house, put on your tin foil hat to keep them from reading your "paranoid" thoughts, and remember to drink only purified water and grain alcohol to protect your precious bodily fluids.

*At least I assume so.
**In conjunction with the Saucer People and under the supervision of the reverse vampires.