Save Yourself

It occurred to me a while back (read: three and a half minutes ago) that I've gotten away from the original purpose of my blog: convincing people that the Internet is a weird, terrible place, and that your involvement with it will, sooner or later, cause your brain to explode within your head, leaving your lifeless body propped up in your computer chair reading blogs. This is not a joke, and your life is in serious danger.

The only way to save yourself is to immediately navigate away from my site and purchase a plane ticket to Dhaka. As soon as you're done with that, go to the garage, get out your ladder, climb to the top of your house, and throw your computer from the roof. Climb down and set what's left of it on fire, then run over it several times with your car until you're sure that it's dead.

I realize that it's a little late to lecture you, but you probably should have listened to your fourth grade teacher when he/she told you to read all the directions before you start something. Because if you didn't, then now you're stuck with a destroyed laptop and an expensive plane ticket to a place you've never heard of, you have no idea what to do next because the rest of the directions are online, and you're pretty much screwed. If you're still reading this, though, congratulations! You did learn something in grade school, and our public school system seems like a little less of a dismal failure. You're still in pretty serious trouble, though, so stay with me here.

Now that you've killed your computer before it could kill you, and you have your plane ticket, get your ass to the airport and abandon civilization. You can't risk staying here, because by the end of the week your TV will have convinced you to buy a new computer, and you'll be right back here drinking whiskey from the bottle and crying yourself to sleep while you update your Facebook profile.

If you're still reading this, what the hell is wrong with you? Do you not understand what is at stake here? Get on the plane, get off the plane onto a goat, and ride the goat out into the Bangladeshi wilderness where the Internet won't find you for at least two years. Godspeed, friend.