Satanic Cults and Cholesterol

Do you live in a state of constant fear? Do you sit up at night with a bottle of whiskey, sweating through your bulletproof vest, cradling your assault rifle, and staring at your front door while you wait to defend your home and family from the nameless death that waits outside for you to fall asleep? I think we all do.

But how can you expose this abstract terror that stalks you? Who is this invisible enemy that makes your reach into your shoulder holster and click off the safety every time you hear a noise behind you at the mall? What authority can unmask this fiend and name the source of your anxiety so that you can kill it? Obviously, the same authority that you turn to for everything else: your TV. But you're not watching TV right now, and the remote is all the way across the room, so you'll have to settle for the next best thing and get your absolute truth from this blog.

But first, the very few dangers which are purely fiction, and which you can stop worrying about:

• Global warming - Do your remember global cooling back in the '80s, when temperatures were plummeting, and the apocalypse would soon be upon us unless we drastically reduced carbon emissions? The fact that scientists said that, which I interpret as being contradictory to my oversimplification of what I hear from Fox News they are saying now, is hard proof that science is a myth, and that nothing could possibly be wrong. Which is convenient, because it's summer and my house is a comfortable 56 degrees.
• Car accidents - I don't wear my seatbelt to protest frivolous legislation, and that makes me an activist.
• Cholesterol - It will be a cold day in hell when I begin to suspect McDonald's of misrepresenting the truth for monetary gain.
  
• Waking up one day and realizing that your life is a terrible fraud, that you have wasted your precious time on Earth pursuing money to buy consumer electronics and friendship, that trying so hard to get to the top has only left you old, tired, and lonely, and that you have never really loved or been loved by another human being - Yeah, right. Like that could ever happen to anyone.
  

And now, the moment you've been waiting for. Here are the real threats facing you every day. These are the things that you should really fear, and that you should destroy with the weapons you've been stockpiling.

• Terrorism - Sure, living in rural Montana makes your death at the hands of a suicide bomber incredibly improbable, and the land mines you planted in your yard are statistically much more likely to kill you, but isn't your safety too important to be left up to statistics?
• Satanic cults - This is probably happening in your community, and it could involve someone you know, or even a family member. Seriously, it was on the five o'clock news.
  
• Rap music - Violence and misogyny (yes, it's a word; see definition here) were invented by minorities, and our children will soon be corrupted, drop out of school, and turn to lives of depraved, wanton violence unless all music is immediately banned (except Country and Classic Rock).
  
• Mexican people - Millions are flooding across the border to steal our jobs, sell drugs to our children, kill our pets for sport, and seduce our women with their sensual accents. God bless the Minute Men.
  
• Medical marijuana - If the radical anarchists suffering from terminal illness get their way, smoking pot will soon be mandatory for everyone. The fabric of American life will be burned away by hippies, and millions will fall through the gateway to hard drugs, turning to lives of prostitution and armed robbery to support their heroin and crack addictions.
• Last, and probably worst: people who are not you - Good lord, you're surrounded! Quick, barricade yourself in your bomb shelter with a five year supply of bottled water and ammunition. Don't worry though. It'll be safe to come out pretty soon, once they've all been killed off by marijuana poisoning and satanic cults.