Unclogging the Tubes

It has recently come to my attention that the Internet contains an semi-infinite volume of indescribably offensive and disgusting material. Prior to this revelation, my homepage was set to www.foxnews.com, and the bulk of my internet browsing was done by simply clicking on links. Because I do not have a keyboard (as stated before, I post to this blog and read other websites mostly by using voice and text recognition software; written language is for the poor and/or French), I had never before run across a site called "Google," which I discovered in a totally incomprehensible story here. This web page seems innocuous enough, presenting you with only a box in which to type. When you type something and hit enter, this "Google" will give you a list of websites with content related to your "query."

However, upon further investigation, I discovered that Google will always return closely matched results, with no moral or ethical intervention, no matter how vile your search. For example, typing "anarchism" results in several "informational" pages, including one from something called "Wikipedia,"* as well as several collections of "essays" on anarchism. Nowhere on the results page is a warning about the evil, corrosive nature of the anarchist agenda, which seeks to destroy our God-given social order in favor of drug-crazed cannibalism and folk music.

Similar searches for things like "democrat" turn up predictably horrific results. Apparently, the United States government has lost control of one of our main media outlets, and can no longer prevent dangerous subversives, including communists and liberal community organizers, from spreading dangerous lies and propaganda. Feminists, homosexuals, vegetarians, and nudists can now sow their seeds of cultural destruction across the U.S. and the world, corrupting our children and leading our women astray.

As usual, the solution is simple and violent. We must appoint a council of morally upstanding citizens to form a Ministry of Truth, which will oversee and regulate all Internet traffic, including and especially Google results. This commission will have the power to define proper moral standards for all web pages, and it will be entrusted with a specialized branch of the U.S. military to aid in enforcement of whatever penalties it sees fit to institute. These "secret police" will swear allegiance only to the Ministry, the Bible, and Pat Robertson, and they will operate extrajudicially, as we cannot trust our Godless secular government to effectively regulate such an organization.

Once the Ministry of Truth has been established, we can begin the long process of unclogging the tangled mess of tubes which make up the Internet, and we can start imprisoning/executing the subversive deviants who wish to treat it as a socialist soapbox from which they can belch their disgusting pornographic leftism all over us. After we remove all of this offensive garbage, the Internet will contain only good, valuable, morally responsible content. Like Joel Osteen's blog.

*Wikipedia is apparently a site run by violent anarchists and established for the purposes of historical revisionism, slander, and the promotion of sexual deviance.