Hook-Up Culture: The Rise of an Unspeakably Terrifying New Evil That Will Murder Your Children and Lead Us All to Complete Destruction

Do you remember the good old days? The way it used to be, when milk cost a nickel at the corner grocery store, knee socks were the at the height of fashion, and all the happy, white children crowded around the ice cream truck on hot summer afternoons? Well, my friend, those days are dead, and America is free falling in a cable-cut elevator into the fuming mouth of Lucifer. The reason, you ask? Barack Obama. But more importantly, teenage sex.

That's right, they laughed at Oprah* when she broke the news about rainbow parties, and they laughed when desperate parents tried to protect their daughters by making them attend purity balls (which are not, by the way, at all creepy, and do not have even the faintest oedipal overtones). But new studies** prove conclusively*** that teenage promiscuity is back in a big way, and it's hear to kill your children. Again.

If you don't believe me, just turn on your TV. Scantily clad women appear in every kind of advertisement, homosexual characters are increasingly common on sitcoms and reality shows, and celebrity party girls are the new role models for young girls. You don't need me to tell you, but it follows logically from your discomfort with our changing culture that all young women are in danger of becoming extremely dirty whores. The carefree days of "going steady" and "shotgun weddings" are gone, replaced by the new, so-called "hook-up culture." Dating is a thing of the past, and romance has been replaced by a depraved culture of partner switching, group sex, and drug-crazed experimentation with bestiality. "Sexual education" in schools teaches our children that using condoms will protect them from the emotional trauma of premarital sex, and that contracting sexually transmitted diseases is a hilarious bonding activity and rite of passage for all teenagers.

No one argues that these things are happening****. "But what can be done?" you ask. First, we must ban rap music, the satanic soundtrack to our new American horror movie. Then, we must pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage to prevent Dan Savage and his army of sodomites from normalizing their deviant practices and influencing our youth. Accomplishing these things will buy us enough time to implement the permanent solution: building a time machine and transporting the entire United States back to 1952, before the erosion of our modesty and decency began. Once there, we can use our modern nuclear technology to destroy the Soviet Union and pass laws which will prevent the '60s from happening. Once we can rest assured that hook-up culture is just a distant memory from the future, we can finally start reliving our fond memories of the Andy Griffith Show childhood.


*After they believed every single titillating detail, took reactionary precautions at school and at home, and forced all of their children to read a best-selling book with an incredibly low Amazon customer review rating.
**Opinion pieces on Fox News.
***State with emphasis.
****Except communist haters of freedom, democracy, and God. And some statisticians and health care workers.